'POTC3' -- Time to abandon ship, matey

When humorist Dave Barry spoke at Midland College in early May, he told a great story about a group of people in Oregon and how they disposed of a beached whale that had become stranded. After the Oregonians marveled at the whale for a while and realized they really didn't have any practical way to move the creature, they decided the only way to rid themselves of it would be to stick dynamite in and around the giant mammal and blow it to bits. They did not count on the thousands of pieces of whale that would ultimately splatter far and wide, littering and stinking the area and making a grim situation even worse.

The "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise is a lot like Barry's whale story. The first 'Pirates' movie was like a whale at sea: intriguing, beautiful, fun to watch. The second 'Pirates' is akin to watching the whale just as it becomes stranded: a site to behold, people watch with eyes wide open and jaws agape. The third 'Pirates' greatly resembles what that Oregon coast must have looked like after he had been blown to bits: a giant, bloated, bloody, grotesque, stinky, largely indecipherable mess.

"POTC 3" is just too much of a good thing. Wait, let me back up ... "good" really no longer factors into the equation here. Oh, there are moments -- the last 30 minutes of 'World's End' was visually magical and a spectacle to behold. But trudging through 2 1/2 hours of Jack Sparrow's hallucinations, the bizarre incantations of Calypso, and a plot so convoluted it would baffle even a Mensa gathering is really a loooong way to go for a cinematic payoff.

Dozing off is not only optional it is expected; theater owners should actually provide pillows to this zzz-inducing wreck. Jack's magic is in rare form only in that we rarely see him on screen compared at least to the first two installments. Keira Knightley has certainly never looked better and her character is stronger than ever in a Hillary kind of way, but this mess is too disjointed, too eye-blurring and mind-numbing to be mentioned in the same breath as the first two.

At $8 bucks a pop, you want a movie that pays you back. This one doesn't. What's worse -- no make that what's worst -- is that this thing demands so much of your time before it sets you free.

As one of my kids who really disliked this movie said afterward, "I'll never get those three hours back ever again."

Comments

[Jeff]

Arrrr, matey, them be strong words ..... I'll be recallin' 'em when me crew and I board the theater to see the movie

[Jimmy]

Can I call and wake you when it's over?

[Jeff]

LOL ..... I hope I don't fall asleep ..... if I start snoring, the rest of the audience will think it's the Kraken in TXX surround sound! :-)

[Dennis]

Don't candy-coat it! Just tell us what you really thought of it.

[Jimmy]

It sucks, my friend.