STICKY DOORKNOBS

Bone chiller

I'm fairly certain these photos don't accurately depict just how bone chilling it is in West Texas today (what are ya gonna do with a Treo cam?), but suffice it to say it's colder than a Nancy Peolosi victory dinner in Midland.

Emerging from a self-imposed hibernation

I tend to hole up with my family for two weeks every year: Sometime in the middle of summer in some, hopefully exotic, far-away locale. And then, the week between Christmas and New Years, if I'm lucky. It's a rejuvenating time and rarely do I accomplish much of anything worthwhile. If my success during the week is measured by my lack of accomplishing anything worthwhile, it was a darn good week. This year I was blessed again to be able to have that extra time between the two holidays. I am a lucky man simply because I was able to be with Karen and the kids uninterrupted for several days.

But y'know, there remain a few Christmas week observations that can't go without comment:

-- "The Pursuit of Happyness" is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time. It is painful, uplifting and very hard to watch for most of its two-hour running time. The payoff at the end is worth the difficulties you endure while pulling for Will Smith, who should automatically receive an Academy Award nomination. There is a scene in this movie when Chris Gardner, the title character played by Smith, and his son, both of whom live on the streets, stay the night in a subway station and "go back in time." It is such an emotional, memorable scene, sure to be remembered by movie fans for a long, long time. "Happyness" will move you in many ways and is worth even the price of evening admission.

-- I thought "We Are Marshall" would be the best movie we would see over the Christmas break, but it was second to "Happyness." ("Eragon" was third best ... sorry buddy). "Marshall," of course, tells the story of the tragic plane crash that took almost the entire Marshall University football team in 1972. But more so, it is about community and what binds community together. In this case it was football. There are worse things that can hold a community together. After seeing the movie, I am left with one observation, which could, I'm sure, be debated for a long time: Football movies, to me at least, are more inspirational and moving than baseball movies. "Invincible," with Mark Wahlberg, is further proof of that, as is "Remember the Titans" and even, from a long time ago, "Heaven Can Wait" ( I know, I know ... uber sappy).

-- Why is it that we are all so motivated to begin regimens to improve our life this time of year? Without fail I load up on devotionals, but rarely do I finish them. I will try again, though, this year to make it all the way through the Good Book, something I try most every year without success. (It would be my guess that Genesis 1 is the most read chapter of the year on any particular day of the year, as everyone tries to start anew and accomplish something of note. At least our intentions are good, right?

-- While we were away, the rich got richer. Pity poor Barry Zito. The former Oakland pitcher who has had a couple of decent years, turned down a 6-year, $84 million contract with the Texas Rangers in favor of a 7-year, $126 million contract with San Francisco. Now, tell me ... at exactly what point will Zito actually NEED that 85th million? Will he actually go through 84 of them? How?

-- "For One More Day" is a good read with many valuable lessons and Mitch Albom is becoming a seasoned author who can deliver a dependable, value-laden story. Although his books certainly aren't very deep, they usually offer some good moral lessons along the way. His latest is not nearly as good as "Tuesdays with Morrie," but it is much better than "The Five People You Meet in Heaven."

-- "24" is the most addictive thing on television. I cannot tear myself away from Season 5. And only 12 days until the debut of 6. 

-- What is wrong with this picture: Thanks to our cable company not carrying the Texas Tech-Minnesota bowl game, I sat, frustrated, in my recliner during the game, receiving text message updates from my 17-year-old daughter, who was enjoying The Greatest Comeback in College Bowl History with her boyfriend, whose father DOES subscribe to NFL Network. something wrong with that scenario, my friend ...

-- I'd be surprised if the Cowboys are still in the game at halftime Saturday against Seattle. They have withered and now just need to blow away to complete their fall.

-- It is humbling when you are away on vacation for 10 days and you come back and find five phone messages (and one was a repeat, I might add). Humbling in a good way, I guess, but it still makes me sit back and realize I'm not nearly as important as I'd like to think.

Daily Dose

Speaker orders reprints of mug shot

• Topping our news today, U.S. Speaker of the House Tom Delay, who was booked, printed and photographed yesterday after surrendering to authorities in Harris County on charges of money laundering. Delay was so happy with his mug shot, he intends to include them in his Christmas Cards this year. And if he is convicted and imprisoned in time for the holidays, Delay tells friends he'll also knit them special hot pad holders.
• In a poll out this morning on CNN, 45 percent of Americans surveyed say they view Tom DeLay unfavorably. Coincidentally, the 55 percent who view him favorably have either never heard of him, or have never had any personal contact with him.
• And even though the White House has distanced itself since DeLay's problems have escalated in the last few weeks, President Bush told reporters Friday he hopes DeLay is found innocent, adding that should Harriet Miers ever withdraw her name as a nominee for Supreme Court justice, Delay's experience of an indictment, booking, jury trial and ultimate acquittal would make him uniquely qualified to serve on the bench. Not to mention, Bush has known Delay for over 10 years, which also makes him uniquely qualified.

Daily Dose

To watch today's Daily Dose, visit http://www2.mywesttexas.com/video/

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For some REAL legal experience, give us Clinton's personal lawyer

• President Bush nominated Harriet Myers Monday morning to fill a vacancy in the Supreme Court left by the upcoming retirement of Sandra Day O'Connor. In making the announcement, Bush pointed out that Miers has held one of the most important, demanding legal jobs in the country: White House Counsel. Well sure, if she'd have served in the Clinton Administration.
• Bush made the nimination despite the fact that Miers has never before been a judge. Which would be sorta like appointing someone with no disaster experience to head the Federal Emergency Management Association, but we all know that would never happen.
• Miers was the first woman to ever lead a law firm in Texas, was active in non-profits, was a single-term Dallas city council person, and as the president read from her biography, "was taught right and wrong by her mom". But most importantly she's a FOWL -- a Friend of W and Laura.
• And finally, Tom Cruise and Rene Zellweger will co-star in the psychological horror flick "The Eye." And we all know what that means: Rene is single again ... no one can remember who Katie Holmes is ... Cruise has a new movie ... time for another wedding!

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To view a video of today's "Daily Dose," visit: http://www2.mywesttexas.com/video/friday/

... and here is the jar we put 50 cents in for the coffee fund. It's the honor system, so just toss in a couple of quarters with every cup, OK?

• John Roberts hit the ground running on his first full day at the office this morning. After taking the oath of office as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States of America, Roberts was taken on a tour of the Supreme Court, was introduced to all of his co-workers, ordered office supplies for himself, filled out his insurance forms and W-4, completed a questionaire to determine if he pre-qualified for a 401K ... and peed in a cup for his pre-employment drug screening.
• Conservative talk show host William Bennett said yesterday on his radio program that one way to reduce the crime rate in America would be to abort all black babies. In all fairness, he did say next that such a consideration was offensive and reprehensible, and later said his quotes were mischaracterized. Bennett's statements immediately earned him induction into the "Oh!-But-I-was-Taken-Out-of-Context Hall of Fame, where his bust will rest alongside Jimmy The Greek, former LA Dodgers vice president Al Campanis and television evangelist Pat Robertson.
• Veterinarians are reiterating their insistence that dog owners need to brush their pet's teeth for better hygiene and a prolonged lifespan, and say if it's not done, serious doggy health problems can arise. In response to the news, Crest has announced three new flavors to help dogs better take to teethbrushing: The new toothpaste includes Spilled Garbage, Dead Bird and Some Other Dog's Poop.
• Debra Swaim, a California woman who admits she's addicted to the reality program "Fear Factor," finally has good reason for making such a claim: Swaim found herself stuck in her car sinking in a river that had flooded and overflowed its banks. Swaim said watching "Fear Factor" regularly taught her how to successfully escape the car as it filled with water. At a news conference detailing her ordeal, she told reporters about the incident, and then ate a handful of roasted cockroaches.

The Daily Dose

See a video presentation of today's Daily Dose, called "Here's What's Up," at: http://www.mywesttexas.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=15299242&BRD=2288&PAG=461&dept_id=563016&rfi=6

DeLay now on first-name basis with process servers, bail bondsmen

• Let's look at weather first ... Today's high in Midland: 75, some 25 degrees cooler than Wednesday. Wind chills this morning fell into the upper 50s, which can only mean six things: traffic will snarl, people will buy firewood, roast marshmallows, drink hot chocolate, wear hoodies and complain about how cold it is.
• House Speaker Tom DeLay called his Wednesday "just another day at the office," which should be really disturbing to the American voter since he was indicted by a Travis County Grand Jury.
• DeLay called the indictment on charges of money laundering and campaign finance violations "weak, baseless and a sham," which, ironically, are all words that have been used to describe DeLay.
• The really priceless part of this story is when DeLay first heard the charges, his initial comment was that he had -- quote -- "done nothing illegal, unethical or unprecedented." Done nothing unprecedented? So, it's the defense often used by 5-year-olds: "But Johnny's mom said HE could do it." Or ... "But mom, everybody's doin' it so it's OK."
• Kenny Chesney says he'll be OK. After his new-then-former bride, Rene Zellweger, filed for an annulment after just four months of marriage, the country music superstar apparently was just a little too busy to be married. He had a tour, an album, and oh yeah, a little woman back home. A London newspaper estimated that during their May to September marriage, the couple saw each other for a total of about 15 days. For newlyweds, that's a no-no. For some who've been married a lot longer, that's just about right.
• Demi Moore, 47, has announced her engagement to child actor Ashton Kutcher, who is about half Demi's age. Ashton said the decision to go ahead with the marriage hinged on whether Demi had kids old enough that he could play with. Demi said she hopes she can soon give birth to a little brother for Ashton.

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Zellweger searching for new farm implement

• After a four-month marriage, Renee Zellweger and country music star Kenny Chesney are calling it quits. The couple married after meeting each other at a tsunami relief benefit in March. Details were sketchy, but Zellweger released a brief statement to the media: "Not only do I no longer think his tractor is sexy, but his back hoe freaks me out and his front end loader ain't nothin' to sing about either."
• In these days of weird celebrity baby names like Apple, Scout, Rumer, Rocco, Coco and Moon Unit, Britney Spears has named her new kid "Preston." we're supposed to buy Preston? C'mon Britney, be real with us babe. Oh wait, Preston's middle name is Toothpick.
• It was a big week for Britney, who not only gave birth but also released her new fragrance line. She's named it Fantasy. And just in the nick of time ... she'll be needing a little fresher upper up after Preston fills his diaper with little Roccos and Moon Units.
• President Bush promised that the city of New Orleans will rise again and pointed out a multipart plan to help ensure the future of the storm damaged city. Cost of the project: $200 billion. And just how will it be paid for? Borrowing from foreign countries, possible tax increases ... and President Bush has asked all those who will be returning to New Orleans to sell Amway.

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Britney's naval escapes trauma of childbirth

• Oh good, Britney Spears has given birth to a boy. No name yet, but London or Paris are said to be possibilities. Good thing she's never played French Lick or Salt Flat.
• Spears reportedly is in intensive care after the delivery which was by Cesearean Section. The midriff-baring, halter-wearing, sex-selling pop singer reportedly took one look at her C-section scar and immediately plummeted into post-partum depression.
• When Britney woke up from her anesthesia and learned of the birth, her first question was "How's my belly button piercing? Did it survive?"
• In other news, known terrorist Nolan Ryan was briefly detained after airport officials discovered a knife in his carry-on luggage. According to security, the knife slipped through a ripped lining in his bag. A likely story: The "didn't-know-I-had-it" alibi ... this from a man who threw rock-like objects at other human beings at 100 mph for over 20 years. What's the world coming to?
• And the latest figures from Hurricane Katrina have confirmed that it is one of the deadliest natural disasters in American history: Katrina is the 7th deadliest disaster ever in this country, behind, among others, the Johnstown Flood, the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, the Galveston Storm of 1900 and the government's response to Katrina.

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Increasing productivity through amputation!

• An Australian professional football player said Tuesday he plans to have one of his fingers amputated in an attempt to improve his game. Brett Backwell, who plays Australian rules football in a South Australia state, told the Australian Broadcasting Corp. he has suffered from pain and restricted movement since he broke his left ring finger three years ago. Getting rid of the finger, he said, will help him better concentrate on playing the game and less on the pain. Backwell said he will auction off the finger so it can be used by the highest bidder to sue Wendy's.
• Osama bin Laden is reportedly in failing medical health but is having difficulty finding medical care. A military spokesman in Afghanistan said bin Laden has been turned away from several hospitals because he was unable to provide proof of insurance. Al Qaida reportedly cancelled its group insurance plan recently due to rising premiums brought on by a high incident of death among suicide bombers.
• It's not clear what bin Laden is ailing from, but a spokesman close to the situation said the world's most wanted man, believed to be hiding along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border, is likely suffering from either kidney disease or food poisoning from having eating a bad cave rat.
• And today on "The Martha Stewart Show," cleaning cob webs from corners, how to properly prepare Kiwi, and how people under house arrest plan for an effective prison bust.

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President rushes to New Orleans after rain shower

• President Bush returned to New Orleans Sunday for his third visit in 10 days. Just an hour before the president touched down, a small band of showers moved through the Crescent City. Bush assured residents the federal government would move swiftly to lead the recovery efforts after the sprinkles.
• Prior to his arrival in New Orleans following his visit to a small uninhabited, undeveloped island 50 miles off the coast of Georgia, where the Category 1 Hurricane Ophelia blew threw over the weekend. Bush told reporters it was good no one lived on the undeveloped island because it was obvious there was "nothing left" and assured reporters the federal government was on top of the disaster. He then chuckled and recalled that during his college days he'd had "maybe too much of a good time" on uninhabited islands.
• And Martha Stewart returns full force today as her new syndicated homemaking show debuts. On today's "Martha," Martha will tell us how to make great cappucinos, preparing your dining room for autumn and how to gently but firmly urge your cellmate she needs to keep her side of the cell a little more tidy.

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'If elected, I promise to eliminate any and all hurricanes upon this great land

• Democratic senator Hillary Clinton is calling for a 9/11 style investigation over the government's handling of Hurricane Katrina, and North Carolina Democrat John Edwards says the feds' handling of the disaster's aftermath underscores his theme of the "Two Americas" message he ran on in his 2004 try for the White House. Hurricane Katrina brought a lot of negatives to our land: death, destruction, flooding, massive evacuations. And the official opening of the 2008 presidential campaign.

• Controversial filmmaker Michael Moore says he is considering turning the devastating Hurricane Katrina and its aftermath into a documentary film. A source close to Moore says "It has all the elements that made ‘Fahrenheit 911’ such a powerful film." Insiders say Moore has reportedly already signed on to play the role of Katrina.

• And a New Zealand police recruit had a hand in his own arrest for an unsolved assault. As part of a training exercise in fingerprinting at the Royal New Zealand Police College, the recruit gave his prints and they matched him to an arrest warrant for a serious assault, according to a police spokesperson. He was arrested late last week after police said he put up some resistance for a brief period when he chased himself. Ultimately, he fired a shot in the air to scare himself which led to him slapping the cuffs on himself. A witness said: "It was a little weird watching him read himself his rights."

King of Pop to do his small part

• Michael Jackson has announced that he will record a song within the week called "From the Bottom of My Heart" and 100 percent of the proceeds from retail sales of the song, said to be reminiscent of "We Are the World," will go to benefit victims of Hurricane Katrina. Jackson said after final receipts are collected he hopes to donate at least $9 or $10.
• In a Time-CNN poll, 63 percent of Americans feel New Orleans will never recover after last week's devastating hurricane. Of the respondents, 93 percent consider Katrina to be the worst disaster ever to strike the United States. Ninety-nine percent of beer-drinking redneck white guys surveyed think New Orleans will "Git R Done" as long as the Saints make the playoffs.
• And Gilligan, the superstar who we think is ultimately responsible for the only-one-name-needed celebrity thing, died last week at the age of 70. Gilligan, a Catholic, will have to spend 30 years in purgatory for his role in three decades of "Gilligan's Island" reruns.

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I certainly don't want to seem inappropriate. And inappropriate seems a trait that is both easier (if you're a pathetic looter in New Orleans) and just as distaseful (if you're a regular, good-hearted person) as it's ever been.

But trying to be funny through this venue just doesn't feel quite right today. Perhaps next Tuesday after the initial shock subsides -- maybe -- by next week.

Laughter is a gift. Maybe after a few days hiatus we can get back to laughing again.

But keep checking back ... I hope to keep adding to this thing throughout the holiday weekend.

Please pray for those affected by Katrina.

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A sign o' the times

• How can you tell it's gonna be a bad day, circa August 2005: The Low Fuel light goes on in your car.
• Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle says the Texas Rangers are cheating. And apparently all the proof he needs of that is to glance at their won-loss record, which is well south of .500. Buehrle says the Rangers are stealing signs from the opposing catcher and then relaying those signs to the Ranger batter by flashing them through "an elaborate lighting system in the outfield." Mark, Mark, Mark ... if the Rangers wanted to cheat and actually BENEFIT from it, they'd have to shine a blinding light in opposing batters faces, the only way from keeping the other guys from hitting Ranger pitching.
• Jay McGraw, son of Dr. Phil, has proposed to one of the Dahm triplets, who gained their fame through posing in Playboy. Jay says he popped the question earlier this week. He's not sure which Dahm triplet he proposed to, but says he doesn't much care.
• And ... please pray for the people of Louisiana and Mississippi.

Robertson announces candidacy for God

    Television evangelist and Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson on Thursday officially threw his hat in the ring as a candidate for God. Robertson's candidacy comes on the heels of his ordered hit on Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.
    The position of God has never been an electable office and no other candidates are expected to even form exploratory committees, much less stage a run for the important job. Although he has often been opposed, God has never faced a political foe; He has held the position of God since the beginning of time.
    "I'm here today to announce my official candidacy for the position of Almighty," Robertson said to viewers, his eyes half-closed and arms uplifted as he faced the cameras. "When elected, I will bring an end to all things evil, including feminism, Communism, atheism and anti-conservatism."
    In his sometimes rambling speech, Robertson mysteriously excluded any desire to bring an end to narcissism.
    The host of TV's The 700 Club apologized for his call for the assassination of the Venezuelan president and said if elected he would send all sinners to the Southern Hemisphere (South America, parts of Africa, Australia, etc.) and France, while leaving the Northern Hemisphere (United States, Canada, etc.) open for "anyone who means well and is not opposed to anything I stand for."
    Robertson ran an unsuccessful candidacy for the U.S. presidency on the Republican ticket in 2000 but was quickly defeated in the early primary states. His detractors have denounced his announcement to run for the ruler of the universe spot.
    "Pat needs to take it one step at a time," said U.S. Senator John McCain. "Perhaps a run for city council, or as a deacon or elder at his church. Going for the whole ball of wax after only a failed run for the presidency in which I had better numbers than he is not conducive to running for such a universal position. I hope he rethinks his decision."
    Robertson's poll numbers plummeted after his announcement, dropping even further than his post-assassination endorsement. Conversely, God's poll numbers seem on the rise and since Robertson's announcement people have been attending church in record numbers, an apparent vote of confidence for the Almighty.
   Gabriel, a spokesman for God, said God is "well pleased" with the encouraging numbers and hopes to continue in his position "until the ends of the earth."

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And when you're done in Venezuela, could you drop by Colombia and knock off a few of their bad guys while you're there?

• It could be worse: Pat Robertson could have won the presidency in 2000. And today we’d have troops in Venezuela and all foreign leaders who don’t watch <em>The 700 Club</em> would be dead.
• OK let’s review … Jesus Christ called for all mankind to love one another and for us to treat our neighbors as we would treat ourselves. Pope John Paul II reached out to people of all faiths and inspired a kinship and a love and a peace between people of different nations and religions. And Billy Graham stresses love of God, forgiveness and compassion toward others. Pat Robertson has called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. It’s believed to be the first time a television evangelist has ever ordered a hit on a world leader.
• Robertson’s call for the killing is not the first misguided comments he’s ever made. He once called for the U.S. State Department to be blown up with a nuclear device, and said that feminism leads women to “practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” Feminism would apparently then also lead one to have a healthy dislike for Robertson, so it can’t be all bad.
• And American idol semifinalist Bo Bice was rushed to a hospital for emergency surgery yesterday but is reportedly doing fine. Details were sketchy; one hospital representative said Bo had "a kink in his intestines," but a spokesman for Bice’s record company referred to the surgery as a “much-needed talent lift.” “If the boy’s gonna be famous,” the record exec said, “we just felt we needed to have a trained surgeon get in there and make some ability adjustments.”

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Brooks now has coworkers in low places

• Country superstar Garth Brooks has signed an exclusive contract with Wal-Mart. Details weren’t released, but two trade publications say the deal stipulates that Wal-Mart’s online site will become the only source where fans can buy Brooks’ music. The agreement also states that the country music superstar will work as a deep-night cashier and weekend custodian for the SuperCenter in Yukon, Okla.
• The Rolling Stones have kicked off their world tour with a performance in Fenway Park. The tour is historic in many ways for the Stones, all of whom are well into their 60s. It's the first time a rock concert has ever been equipped with a wheelchair-accessible stage, an oatmeal bar and on-stage blood-pressure cuffs for each of the musicians.
• Rapper Snoop Dogg has angered parents in California after he took his son – and several of his son’s teammates – and formed his owned football league. In return for defecting from the children’s football league, players who sign up in Snoop Dogg’s League will be guaranteed rides on a fancy bus, free candy, video games and girls, girls, girls.
• And the ashes of journalist Hunter S. Thompson were fired off a 153-foot tower into space over the weekend. His final resting place is, ironically, where he spent a great deal of his life.

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Irritable Male Syndrome: Now we have a reason for our moodiness!

• Doctors have coined a new term for a disease that before now has just been thought to be male menopause. "Irritable Male Syndrome" is what health officials are now calling what many middle age men are suffering from, and concerns over the disease continue to grow. Irritable Male Syndrome's chief cause is believed to be a sudden drop in testosterone levels. But others who have studied the disease even closer say there are other, more deeply rooted causes. Such as a lack of football on TV, no beer in the fridge, hearing the words "Not tonight I have a headache," and having to shop at a craft show with the wife.

• Eminem has cancelled the European leg of his worldwide tour, which was to have promoted his new album "Anger Management." Eminem says he'll be unable to complete his tour because of exhaustion. His personal physician believes the singer's exhaustion has been brought on by a new medical phenomenon: Irritable White Rapper Syndrome.

• And speaking of irritating rappers, P. Diddy is dropping the P. "We are entering the age of 'Diddy,' Diddy told his legion of fans. First it was Sean Puffy Combs. Then Puff Daddy. Then came P. Diddy. Now, it's just Diddy. Obviously the next step in Diddy's name progression would be ... Blithering Idiot.

• Obviously Diddy has not thought all the way through the renaming process and can no longer answer the phone as James Bond would. Before, the rap mogul could pick up the phone and say, 'It's Diddy. P. ... Diddy." But with no P ... what's a guy to do?

• In making the announcement that he was dropping the P., Diddy said, "A lot of my peeps have been calling me Diddy. We was at Madison Square Garden rocking with Jay-Z. The last time I was there, half the crowd was chanting 'P. Diddy' half the crowd chanting 'Diddy.' We gonna stop the confusion." WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AWAY FOREVER AND STOP THE CONFUSION AND THE NAUSEA I'M FEELIN' RIGHT NOW?

• And just in time for the start of the new school year ... a survey out today finds that math is single-handedly the most-hated subject of all high school subjects. The survey is considered flawed, however: Obviously it did not include the responses of band nerds, whose worst subject has and always will be ... girls.

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America ... land of the free and the broke

• A new study shows it costs college students an average of $900 a year in textbooks, and about the same amount every month in gasoline. Yeah, we're all about wanting young people to excel in this country.
• A government investigator looking into the crash of a Cypriot airliner in Greece was quoted yesterday as saying the mystery into the Greek tragedy continues to grow after it was found that at least six people on board the ill-fated flight "were alive when they died." Linguists everywhere are scratching their head over that one.
• And, Ken Sinchar and Lori Sherbondy decided they would return to the place they first fell in love so they exchanged wedding vows Monday night at the McDonald's drive-thru in Irwin, Penn. Sinchar rolled down his window and Sherbondy slid open hers and the couple grabbed hands as a district judge pronounced them husband and wife. Only problem was the guy in the drive-thru behind the groom was so ticked he had to wait 20 minutes for his order he honked through the entire ceremony. And if the happy fast food couple ever get a divorce, Sinchar can always just claim it's because he actually asked for a cherry for his Coke but the drive thru speakers were distorted.

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Why dumb guys shouldn't fly ...

• Well, a man who spent the weekend enjoying the uplifting, joyous strains of the Rock The Desert Christian music festival boarded a plane after the event right here in Midland, and proceeded to write a threatening note. Elias Cervantez of San Antonio left the note on the plane, which indicated a bomb was on board. Nothing like a little Christian music to move a man to terroristic threats, eh? The other half of this intriguing story is that Cervantez' roomate, who was with him, also left a note on the same plane. That note did not include any threats, but did contain Cervantez' phone number. Accidentally. Which, of course, led officials right to Cervantez. And so the moral of this story ... if you're gonna do something dumb, don't be stupid.
• And in Oklahoma, another man, 24-year-old Charles Dreyling, claimed to police that he forgot he had put in his suitcase a pipe bomb that he'd made for fun. Dreyling did not attend a Christian Rock concert prior to his terroristic faux pas. He ... just ... forgot. The man was taken into custody immediately, though, when alert FBI investigators combed through his suitcase and noticed he had not forgotten his toothbrush and he had also remembered to bring an extra change of underwear.
• Lucille Ball is atop the list of favorite dead celebrities, according to the results of a survey conducted by an independent marketing firm. Also near the top of the list of late superstars: Bob Hope, John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart and Red Skelton. Jessica Simpson, the blonde acting and singing sensation who makes nearly every list in Hollywood, is reportedly furious she was not included.

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And at her Bachelorette Party, Black Jack Dealers jumped out of a great big cake

• Welcome to August 11, or, as Jennifer Wilbanks refers to it: My last chance. Wilbanks, also known as the Runaway Bride, will allegedly marry her fiancee Friday in suburban Atlanta. Time to put up a big ol' fence around the state of Georgia to make sure Jennifer won't be making any more quick runs to the slots tonight.
• Oh, in case the fences don't work ... there will be ministers and rented attendants stationed in every chapel across the United States, cause we just never know where this woman will show up.
• And did ya hear ... to help pay off her debt to society, Jennifer was actually given the community service job of mowing lawns. How brilliant is that? Giving this woman something with wheels? Hope it wasn't a riding lawn mower. She'd be all the way to Alabama by now.
• John Deere is actually the coporate sponsor of Jennifer's community service: Their new slogan -- "Nothing runs like a Deere ... except Jennifer Wilbanks on a Deere."

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Don't forget to bag the clippings and take them to the nearest landfill. No, the nearest landfill is NOT right outside of Las Vegas

• The Runaway Bride has been given her punishment: You can catch her in suburban Atlanta mowing lawns as punishment to pay off her debt to police who spent thousands of dollars looking for her when she wasn't missing only scared and in Vegas. Observers say Jennifer Wilbanks has a "spring in her step" as she's mowing. Ummm ... that's no spring in her step. Those are itchy feet.
• In a survey of hairstyles, turns out American women think most highly of Jessica Alba's 'do according to BeautyRiot.com. The women surveyed say they'd also like to have hair like Jessica Simpson, Ashlee Simpson, Hillary Duff and Nicole Richie. Just missing the list of Top 5 most admired styles: Texas governor Rick Perry.
• And a 28-year-old South Korean man died of exhaustion in an Internet cafe in Seoul after playing computer games non-stop for 49 hours. The man known only as Lee collapsed Friday after having eaten minimally and not sleeping, refusing to leave his keyboard while he played the battle simulation game Starcraft. Lee was quickly moved to a hospital but died after a few hours, due to what doctors are presuming was a heart attack. Uhh... talk about "Game Over."

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Please do not unfasten your seatbelt until the aircraft has come to a complete stop. Thank you.

• The Space Shuttle Discovery rolled to a picture-perfect landing in the California desert at 5 a.m. local time this morning. NASA officials say the flight and landing were superb. Unfortunately, the astronauts' luggage was accidentally diverted to Albuquerque and their rental car reservations were lost.
• Some encouraging news for those who practice yoga: Researchers now say it just might help people keep the weight off. Their study, which costs in the hundreds of thousands of dollars to complete, included ... noticing that everyone who does yoga is thin.
• And a Texan who goes by the name Winter says he has decided his No. 1 goal in life is to visit every Starbucks location on the planet. He started his trek in 1997 and hopes to have visited all the chain coffee shops by the end of his life, which should roughly occur right about the time the top of his head blows completely off.

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Woman, brats become one in Sheboygan

• It's Monday, August 8, and a new Wall Street Journal Poll shows President Bush's poll numbers are sinking faster than a Russian submarine. Analysts say at this point, it may in fact be easier to rescue a Russian submarine.

• Yesterday in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, 99-pound Sonya Thomas set a world record by eating 35 bratwursts in 10 minutes. Thomas, whose challengers call her "The Black Widow," also has set the mark for eating 65 hard-boiled eggs in under 7 minutes, and 167 chicken wings in just over a half hour. Officials decided to hold the contest in Sheboygan because that's the sound Thomas' stomach makes just before she becomes violently ill.

• And Bobby Knight is back in the news again, but this time it's NOT for anything bad, but to announce that the Texas Tech basketball coach will star in his own reality show where basketball players hope to become walk-ons and make Knight's team. And you thought Fear Factor was hard to watch? Hopeful players who miss free throws will have to catch chairs thrown by Knight and missed layups will cause a player to have to sit in a small room with Knight's dirty tennis shoes.

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If elected ... I promise to end all lying and steroid use in the world!

• OK let's review ... Rafael Palmeiro has emphatically stated he never used steroids, then was found positive on a steroid test and now possibly faces perjury charges for lying to Congress. That's denial of wrongdoing and lying in Washington. Hmmm...could a political career be far behin for Raffy?
• Martha Stewart's release from home confinement and her electronic anklet has been delayed three weeks to the end of the month, her lawyer has said. Attorney Walter Dellinger said in a one-sentence letter on Wednesday that the home-and-hearth marketing queen "has agreed to an extension of the terms of her home confinement until August 31." Making Martha Stewart stay at home as a means of punishment? Pure genius.
• Jennifer Wilbanks, the Runaway Bride, and her groom to be maybe John Mason deny they have an August 12 wedding date set even though they have thesmelves listed at an online wedding gift registry. Among the items they say they'd love to have from their adoring public: a $1,240 oak dining room set, a $500 set of white wine glasses and, oddly enough, listed at the bottom ... a one-way bus ticket ticket for one to Vegas.

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But sir, I thought they were injecting me with Viagra

• Not only did former Texas Ranger Rafael Palmeiro test positive for a banned steroid substance, but that substance is thought to have ben one of the most powerful steroids on the market. These are not your grandpa's performance enhancing drugs. The aging, 40something Baltimore Oriole, who also made a name for himself by doing Viagra advertisements, maintains his innocence insisting he has never knowingly taken any illegal drugs. And of course we believe him: Palmeiro's medics slipped the 'roids into Palmeiro's bran muffin while he was washing his false teeth.
• Worst thing about the Palmeiro news? Well, aside from the fact that the guy is a liar after so many people had trusted him? The thought that everything Jose Canseco wrote in his book may in fact be the truth.
• Astronaut Steve Robinson successfully pulled out two pieces of gap filler early this morning on the underside of the space shuttle. When he was done, Robinson climbed onto the spacecraft's hood and did the moonwalk.
• And Terry Hatcher, of "Desperate Housewives" fame, is writing an advice book. Now there's a book with a huge audience: Tips on how to succeed if you are beautiful, rich and famous.

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Queer Eye for the king guy

• King Fahd of Saudi Arabia died overnight. He has been replaced by his step-brother, Crown Prince Abdullah. Saudi officials say Abdullah, who has been Saudi Arabia's de facto ruler since Fahd had a stroke several years ago, will make an effective replacement for Fahd, despite the fact that Abdullah "doesn't look nearly as good in a white head cover." The Saudi royal makeover expert says he's thinking about introducing colors to the monarch's headwear, perhaps a red and white chckerboard pattern or maybe tie-dye to bring out some personality in the new king. He also said the black radiator belt that holds the headwear on "has to go" and hopes to replace it with something more "doo rag-ish."
• President Bush will circumvent the Senate today and install embattled nominee John Bolton to be ambassador to the United Nations. Unlike Abdullah, Bolton will not wear a head covering in his position with the U.N., but officials at least hope he colors his moustache. When asked about Bolton's white facial hair, President Bush said, "If' I'd have wanted Wilford Brimley to be the ambassador to the U.N. I would've appointed Wilford Brimley."
• And, it seems the head of the commission writing Iraq’s new constitution has a little writer's block, although he agreed Monday to stick to the Aug. 15 deadline to complete a rough draft. Chairman Humam Hammoudi told parliament that members of the constitution writing committee are deadlocked on such issues as the role of Islam, federalism and distribution of the national wealth. "Not to mention," Hammoudi said, "you Americans won't let us use 'We the people' or 'to ensure domestic tranquility' or any of the really good constitution words!"

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... and we'll call politicians in Texas those guys that can't get their job done

• Administration officials have changed the way they do business against evildoers ... instead of referring to the war on terror as the war on terror, officials are now calling it "the global pursuit of political extremists." Taking a lead from the White House, Democrats have stopped calling Bush Mr. President and are now calling him "that good ol' boy from Texas." Dick Cheney is no longer calling Mr. Vice President but "that good ol' boy from Texas," and Rush Limbaugh, instead of "Omniscient god of all the World, is now being simply called, "The obnoxious, stupid guy who makes things up as he goes along."
• Texas political leaders say they fear a second special session will not bring resolution to the school funding crisis in Texas. House Speaker Tom Craddick said House Bill 2 was "a really good bill" that would have offered $2.5 billion in relief to Texas schools but politicians at the capital were unable to come to an agreement. Here's an idea we can all agree on: If these guys can't pass education reform before school starts next month, let re-enroll them in a remedial high school government class where they can learn how to take care of their constituents, wisely use taxpayer dollars and find a way to get their jobs done.
• And Vienna's prestigious Leopold Museum is usually a pretty buttoned-down place, but on Friday scores of naked or scantily clad people wandered the museum, lured by an offer of free entry to "The Naked Truth," a new exhibition of early 1900s erotic art, if they showed up wearing just a swimsuit or nothing at all. Still, others decided to stay away from free entry into the exhibit, saying the price they'd have to pay for being nude in public was way too high.

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Have I got a deal for you, farm boy

• Bill Clinton says a Kenyan city councilman offered him 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea's hand in marriage five years ago. The former president has not yet given the man an answer. Godwin Chepkurgor vowed to remain single until he gets an answer to his proposal to marry Chelsea. Clinton, however, DID make a counter offer: He told the man he could keep the goats AND he'd throw in Hillary instead.
• The Space Shuttle Discovery has successfully pulled into the international space station. Shuttle Commander Eileen Collins will refuel NASA's big orbiting SUV while the rest of the crew will take a bathroom break and load up on drinks, cheese and crackers, and Hershey bars. As Discovery slowed to the docking station, Steven Robinson, the shuttle's youngest passenger, was heard to ask, "Are we there yet?"
• And Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers began serving his 20-game suspension Wednesday after being denied his appeal for a lesser penalty by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Asked how he thought he would spend his time out of uniform, Rogers said he'd likely 'Have some brews, watch some 'Baywatch' reruns and probably beat up on a few cameramen."

The Daily Dose

NBC to develop new reality show, "Presidential Makeover"

• Reports out of London say British Prime Minister Tony Blair has used over 1,800 pounds of tax money for makeup and make overs so he would appear calm and in control for his media appearances. A similar study found American politicos such as Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Janet Reno have used tax dollars in the same way. How else do you explain the massive federal deficit?.
• The owner of two pet pigs has been convicted of violating the city's nuisance ordinance following complaints from neighbors about the obnoxious odor of the animals. Debra Fields kept the 300-pound hogs as family pets in her home in the northwestern Indiana city. She was reprimanded and given the choice of either paying a $250 fine, or cooking they animals so they would smell better.
• And over 100 Santas from around the globe gathered in Copenhagen for their annual covention and chimney-climbing contest. On the elves' agenda: the rising cost of reindeer fuel; what to do if a reindeer wants to renegotiate his contract in the last few hours before Christmas, and how to avoid putting on extra pounds when Santas are expected to eat thousands of cookies in a short period of time. After the seminar  was over, convention-goers had their annual chimney competition, which took quite a bit of time as each of the 100 Santas got stuck in their respective chimneys (MEMO: More emphasis on cookie eating at next year's convention). After the fun and business was discussed, all of the Santas retired to the pub and drank eggnog into the wee hours of the night

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I'll take a double pepperoni, and a poolside seat next to the leggy blonde

• On two occasions this week black bears wandered into separate hotels in northern New Mexico, and made themselves at home. According to a front desk clerk at one hotel a bear walked to a pay phone and then to the pool. The bear was apparently taking advantage of Pizza Hut's stuffed crust offer and could not resist the heated pool, where bears are notorious for hanging out and trying to woo the babes.
• NASA engineers believe they have isolated the fuel gauge malfunction that scrubbed the shuttle Discovery's July 13 launch attempt. Engineers say the stuck fuel gauge was fixed yesterday, when one alert scientist firmly tapped on the shuttle's clear plastic dashboard cover, unsticking the fuel needle. Good thing, too... Discovery was on 'E' ... The shuttle was then taken to a local 7-11 where NASA's debit card was charged $3.5 million.
• Scientists are uncertain why some people are more prone to Foot in Mouth disease, saying even those who are normally not susceptible to social blunders can make them when they are feeling vulnerable. Researchers say normally sharp-witted people who always say the right things can slip and stick their foots in their mouths when they are tired, stressed or right after they've watched one of President Bush's news conferences.

The Daily Dose

The auxiliary engines are dead Cap'n, and come to think of it I ain't feelin' too well myself

• James Doohan, known to millions of "Star Trek" fans as Scotty, the engineer of the Starship Enterprise, died Wednesday. At his request, his ashes will be sent into space. If the ship can get enough power.
• Also dead today ... Gerry Thomas, who changed the way Americans eat with his invention of the TV Dinner during the baby boom years, has passed away at 83. Thomas will be buried in a disposable alumnimum tray with a television on in the background and guests at his funeral sitting on recliners with TV trays in front of them.
• And eBay reports its second quarter earnings are up a whopping 53 percent. Officials with the online trading company attribute its success to its growing reputation and the quality of products it offers for sale. Like grilled cheese sandwiches with a vision of the Virgin Mary and autographed pictures of Jesus Christ.

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Yeah he's a great guy, maybe one of the best ever, and smart, really smart, and he'll make a wonderful, even-handed justice, and he's a good man, great son, wonderful husband, just an all-around near-perfect person ... but all that stuff just doesn't matter now

• President Bush's nominee for the Supreme Court has been described by members of both parties as a man with keen intellect and a sharp legal mind who is the "best advocate for the Supreme Court of his generation. But of course none of that will will really mean anything over the next few weeks. Once liberals are finished skewering him, you can add one other modifier to Roberts' pedigree: sacrificial lamb.
• OK, let's talk Hollywood: Jude Law has apologized for an affair with his nanny (caught in bed by one of his CHILDREN, no less); Colin Farrell is trying to prevent the release of a sex tape by a former lover; Cameron Diaz is trying to prevent the release of nude photos, and Pamela Anderson Lee says she and two-time ex-husband Tommy are getting married a third time. HEY ... isn't there some way we can get the Senate to confirm our entertainers?

The Daily Dose

Lights ... camera ... Kenny!

• Would someone please tell Mr. Brilliant, Kenny Rogers, how a camera works? Someone please explain to this mastermind that when a camera is in the 'On' position, it ... will ... take ... pictures of him being bad.
• Rogers, who assaulted a cameraman last month at the Ballpark in Arlington, was charged with misdemeanor assault. After hearing the charge, Kenny went outside, hopped on top of his car and did the moonwalk across his hood.
• President Bush has reversed course in the Karl Rove flap on suspicion that it was Rove that leaked the name of a CIA agent to the media. Bush first said that if he'd found that anyone in his administration had leaked the name, they'd be out of a job. Bush's stance now is: "If anyone is found guilty of a crime, they will not work in my administration." Good posturing: In political terms, what Bush really means is that if Rove is found guilty of a crime, the president will fire him from the staff and then hire him as a contract consultant.
• Weighing in at 13 pounds, 12 ounces, Delaney Jessica Buzzell isn't your average newborn. Her parents have even dubbed her the "Big Enchilada." The baby headed home Tuesday after being delivered by Caesarean section on June 23 -- three weeks early. That's not all that's early about Delaney. She is already talking, and her first words were "Whopper ... fries ... and super-size me."
• And it was on this day in 1969 that Apollo 11 began orbiting the moon. It would continue in orbit for almost 24 hours until finally finding a parking space.

The Daily Dose

Hussein has nose job, skin bleaching procedure

• Saddam Hussein was formerly indicted over the weekend, formerly charged with crimes against humanity for a 1982 attack he authorized in Iraq. Inexpelicably, after his appearance before the tribunal, Hussein climbed atop his car and moonwalked across the hood.
• Good thing Hussein doesn't live in India: Indian police forced around 200 people caught watching pornography to do sit-ups in public to shame them and keep them away from theaters that illegally screen smutty movies. The Hindustan Times reported on Monday that police stopped the screening of a pornographic movie and made audience members  — some as young as 17 — do 10 sit-ups each at a public square, watched by onlookers. The police made the all-male group vow not to watch pornography again. Had Hussein's trbiunal been from India, the former Iraqi dictator would be looking at 500 chin ups and a promise that he'd be a good guy again.
• And a wealthy attorney in Croatia says he's been turned down by 5,000 women on marriage proposals. The man, Emil Kacic, has even gone so far placing advertisements in the newspaper and blindly asking women on the street for their hand in marriage. He has been met with nothing but rejection. His ads have read "tender, rich lawyer looking for pretty lady to marry," and "disgustingly rich lawyer looks for happiness." Forget ugly ... forget wealthy ... maybe you should just change professions.

The Daily Dose

'Hockey puck' again more than just a Rickles' insult line

• NHL owners announced Wednesday an end to the lockout that brought the historic cancellation of the entire 2004-05 hockey season. Owners say they're confident they'll win back the support of the fans and the league will thrive again. As soon as the people of North America can remember exactly what 'NHL' stands for.
• Hockey spokesmen say several suggestions have been made on how to win back fans, and teams are reportedly considering introducing a minimum number of fights each game, intermissions that feature steroid injections on center ice and the serving of free beer and raw meat to fans who will be whipped into a suffificent frenzy by the third period.
• Kate Hudson says she can see ghosts and predict the future. The actress says she was given the gift of being a psychic by her mother, Goldie Hawn. Kate says mom is "super into" psychic phenomenon, can see ghosts and predict the future. Well ... sometimes. Goldie's built in psychic predictor was apparently out of service when she filmed "The Banger Sisters," "Death Becomes Her," "Bird on a Wire," "The Sugarland Express," "Buterflies are Free" and "There's a Girl in My Soup."
• Karl Rove, apparently on his way out as President Bush's right-hand guy, denies any and all involvement in the leaking of the name of a CIA operative. Rove says there's no way he would have had the time to plot out such an elaborate plan since he's been busy the last six years being the president's brain. "That's a fulltime job right there," Rove said.
• And Hollywood has announced the list of alltime greatest movie car chases, and heading the list are Steve McQueen's "Bullitt," "The French Revolution" and the more modern movies, "Gone in 60 Seconds," "Days of Thunder" and "Fast and Furious." Mysteriously left off the list of all-time automobile action scenes at the movies are the mass exoduses made by sensible people after seeing any Sylvester Stallone film of the last 20 years.

The Daily Dose

Try jiggling the handle next month

• It's been a hot, dry summer in suburban St. Louis. How hot and dry? Rose Mary Cook received a $29,000 water bill. The city's utility department claimed Cook used 10 million gallons of water last month, charging her $29,787 for water, another $43,581 for sewer, plus $893 for municipal taxes. Mrs. Cook said she was glad she was sitting down when she opened the bill and admitted: "I thought I heard water running but I could never figure out from where."
• Tom Cruise is not exactly a welcome guest in Paris. After proposing to his girlfriend under the Eiffel Tower and then going on a month-long marketing odyssey whereby virtually the entire world grew sick of him, city officials in Paris have decided not to present the American actor with honorary keys to the city. One official said the decision by city leaders was because his religion, Scientology, is considered a sect. Not to mention keys to a city might actually encourage a person to come back again.

The Daily Dose

Do you take this Hereford to be your lawfully-wedded wife?

• The world is still abuzz this morning over two Thai cows that exchanged I Do's at a small chalet outside Bangkok over the weekend. Over 2,000 guests -- many of whom were of the 4-legged variety -- were at the wedding ceremony, many dressed in the finest cow fineries. The happy couple, which was spared the tradition of being showered with rice since most of the guests had no opposable thumbs, is currently honeymooning at a romantic livestock getaway on the scenic Hawaiian Island of Maui.
• Two cows married? Apparently gay marriage is not a problem in the animal kingdom, which of course means all cows are liberal and therefore basically subhuman.
• Asked why they decided to take the plunge and declare their undying love for each other, the bride said she had always been drawn to her mate's udders; the groom blamed it all on mad cow disease.
• The latest tourist attraction in Orlando is the newly opened Nickelodeon Hotel, modeled after different aspects of the children's cable network. The hotel itself is orange and slime-green; rooms have murals of SpongeBob Square Pants and are equipped with Play Station 2. The most popular features at the hotel are ironically just what attract children to other hotels: kids can leave their wet bathing suits on the bathroom floor and their sandals in between the beds "where someone can fall and break their neck," and the little ones can eat all the cold, stale donuts they want at the free continental breakfast until they are full and threatening to barf in the car on the way home.

   

The Daily Dose

A wedding without a movie? Go figure ...

• Good Monday morning ... last week, Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Garner and they are in fact getting married for no reason other than the love they share. And the best thing about that deal is that the marriage is not a means of marketing another bad Ben movie through which we the public will have to suffer.
• The ring bearer at the Bennifer nuptials will be that annoying insurance duck that will walk up the aisle quacking, "AFFLECK! AFFLECK!"
• True story ... In Bangkok, Thailand, Sunday, a pair of rare dwarf Brahman cattle were married in a traditional Thai ceremony featuring a banquet for more than 2,000 human guests. The animals wore silk outfits and jasmine garlands. Other beasts, including goats, also attended the ceremony. The wedding coincided with the production of two new bottles of milk the cows are expected to release this week.
• And the latest super hero movie, "The Fantastic Four," roundly panned by critics for being just plain boring, is said to have brought in $56 million over the weekend which would break the slump Hollywood has been in for some time now. OK, Hollywood, you heard us: You want more money? It's the crappy movies we want.

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    Sticky Doorknobs will resume publishing on July 11, 2005.

The Daily Dose

Mission Impossible: Cruise silent for second straight day

• Wonder whatever happened to Tom Cruise? Don't hear much from him anymore ...
• Tuition is going up 12 percent at Texas A&M. Seems even the cost of being the butt of a joke is going up these days.
• Several former captives say Iran's President-elect Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was one of the terrorists who took Americans hostage for 444 days in 1980. And people say there's no progress being made in the Muslim world. From common criminal to national politician ... We usually do it the other way around in America.
• And a British couple that claims to be married the longest landed in the Guinness Book of World Records for their 80 years of marriage now apparently has some would-be challengers: A Rhode Island couple whose family says mom and dad have been united for 82 years. The two couples will exhange marriage licenses as proof, and if a dispute remains, the four will take it to the ring, where they will compete for the title of longest married in a best 2-out-of-3 smackdown.

The Daily Dose

TC phone home! TC phone home! TC phone home! TC phone home!

• Hollywood actor Tom Cruise not only battles creatures from outer space in his latest film "War of the Worlds", he also believes aliens exist. Asked in an interview with a tabloid newspaper if he believed in aliens, Cruise said: "Yes, of course. We are not alone." No, Tom. We are not. Alone. Tom. There are others. And they are out there. And it is good that you believe that. Because ... they ... are...coming ...and THEY ... ARE ... COMING ... FOR YOU, BECAUSE THEY ARE SMARTER THAN WE ARE AND THEY ARE EVEN MORE TIRED OF WATCHING YOU BEHAVE LIKE A TOTAL LUNATIC!! SO WHEN THE LADDER DROPS DOWN FROM THE POD, Get on that ship, Tom, and go far, far away!
• The good news is that Cruise went an entire day yesterday without doing or saying anything stupid. At all. OK, so that's one miracle. Pope John Paul II needs only one more before his Sainthood is complete.
• And weighing in at 13 pounds, 12 ounces, Delaney Jessica Buzzell isn't your average newborn. Her parents have even dubbed her the "Big Enchilada." The baby headed home Tuesday after being delivered by Caesarean section on June 23 -- three weeks early. That's not all that's early about Delaney. She is already talking, and her first words were "Whopper ... fries ... and super-size me."

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