STICKY DOORKNOBS

How dumb do spammer thieves think we are?

Maybe the question should be: how dumb are spammer thieves? Those behind mass emails who try to get unwitting Internet users to give up their personal information for illegal gain. Some of these emails, granted, are quite conniving, clever and, moreover, dangerous. Others, like the one I received Wednesday, come from people who really and truly must be as dumb as a plastic bag. I have attached, word for word, exactly what came to me in yesterday's email. See if you can find the bevy of errors and then ask yourself: Would I ever want to be conned by the criminal mastermind behind this missive?

Dear grandecom.net Email Account Owner,

This message is from grandecom.net messaging center to all grandecom.net email account user. We are currently upgrading our database and e-mail account center. We are deleting all unused grandecom.net  email account to create more space for new accounts.

To prevent your account from closing you will have to update it below so that we will know that it's a present used account. (You are to send the information below to enable us

RECONFIRM YOUR EMAIL ACCOUNT and for Upgrading)

Email Username : (***********)
EMAIL Password : (***********)
Date of Birth  : (***********)


Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update his/her account within 24 hours of this warning notice we are afraid you will have to lose your account permanently.

Thank you for using grandecom.net!

Warning Code:VX2G99AAJ

Thanks
grandecom.net
Support Team

Umm, where to start. I don't know, if my objective was to excel at online identity theft, I might become just a littttttle bit more familiar with the English language so as to sound somewhat more believable:

Account owner that refuses to update his/her account within 24 hours of this warning notice we are afraid you will have to lose your account permanently. (

Who wrote that, Yoda?

It also might be somewhat helpful for would-be online pirates if they could correctly identify the singular from the plural:

This message is from grandecom.net messaging center to all grandecom.net email account user. We are deleting all unused grandecom.net  email account to create more space for new accounts.

It would also be more convincing if these brainiacs could somehow distinguish between adverbs and just your run-of-the-mill adjectives: 

To prevent your account from closing you will have to update it below so that we will know that it's a present used account.

Also necessary: remembering to include all words in a sentence, and maybe even proper sentence-ending punctuation so we could tell when you're done with your train of thought. Further, unnecessary line breaks can also be a pretty good sign of an amateur driving the keyboard:

(You are to send the information below to enable us

RECONFIRM YOUR EMAIL ACCOUNT and for Upgrading) 

And finally, follow through. Threatening to discontinue service in 24 hours is only effective if you actually discontinue service in 24 hours.

Account owner that refuses to update his/her account within 24 hours of this warning notice we are afraid you will have to lose your account permanently.

Internet theft is real and serious. So is sounding like an idiot. Don't fall victim to any Internet scam. Be watchful of them all but particularly ones run by total bird brains.

Please enter your 10-digit phone number so we can expedite this call. (And never mind that when a live person comes on the line he'll ask your phone number too. It's really just part of slowing-down-the-tech-support process in the name of expediting)

Can someone spend a moment explaining to me why when I call technical support, or a credit company, I am prompted by a computerized assistant for my phone number, "in order to expedite your call." Later, hours later, when a real person comes on the line, the first question they ask? What is your phone number?

Why? Didn't you get that already? Or has so much time passed since I was first put on hold that I have actually sold the house, moved to another town and obtained new phone service.

I asked my wife this question hoping she could tell me. Her answer? "Maybe they get you to enter your phone number at the beginning because if you are disconnected they can call you back."

Uh-huh. Yeah.

What an embarrassment

Imagine inviting someone into your home for an evening of coffee and conversation. You have high expectations of a nice experience, talking and sharing in a quiet, adult atmosphere. Suddenly there is a loud clatter and through the front door bursts a neighbor who interrupts your evening and begins disparaging your guest, calling him names and questioning his very character. Just for good measure, the intruder starts leveling personal attacks so immature in nature that if there was such a thing as disciplinary action for being insensitive and ignorant, your neighbor would be locked up and the key thrown away forever.

That's pretty much what happened Tuesday night on MyWestTexas' "Blog the Vote," when we invited several of our town's city council candidates in for a live Web cast. Users have the option of adding to the conversation by texting what we hope to be intelligent questions. We had looked forward to a civil discourse of the campaigns and issues, but were smacked down by people who frankly need a license to operate a keyboard. It was unbelievable. A total embarrassment.

Fortunately, these disruptors don't represent or outnumber the more intelligent people who number in the millions and use the Internet responsibly. Still, sometimes I wonder if we as a people are mature enough to be given the keys to such a participatory medium. Last night the answer was made clear: Not by a long shot.

Comedian Jay London's trademark line is, "You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart." The people who busted in and interrupted our conversations last night were not quite as far along as Jay.

An outgoing mayor who is one of the most faith-filled people I've ever met, a new mayor who is a decent, honest, intelligent Christian man with a caring heart, and a woman with the best of intentions who fell short, all deserve apologies for the behavior of people online. Several people who participated in destroyed Tuesday's discourse reminded me of a bunch of fourth graders who begin yelling and screaming and picking fights, throwing paper airplanes and shooting spit wads after the teacher leaves the room. It really had to be witnessed to be believed. But if you didn't see it, count yourself among the more fortunate this morning.

It's really not confined to the discussion of last night, of course. Last week, the Jessica's Well blog began a thread about the mayor's race and although it was productive, healthy content for a good number of early posts, it devolved into name calling, back biting and some of the most meaningless conversation I've ever seen on a blog. The people who run the Well are not to be blamed for providing the platform that imploded on itself. In the Internet age, we can only give people the tools. If they continue to hammer themselves and others in the thumb, what are we to do? You can lead a commenter to water but you can't keep him from shooting himself in the foot.

Over the course of two years I have seen a number of comments that people post to online stories in hopes of sharing their views with the public. Trust me ... you would not believe the level of bigotry and outright racism that exists here. Many comments are tossed in the trash. When we have an opportunity to muzzle the hatred, we must take it.

On this blog, a simple story last week about a hard-working, compassionate Mexican villager garnered only negativity from a man who has repeatedly brandished his disdain for Mexicans like a badge of honor. Fortunately, we have been given the Ban User option for a very good reason.

It's too bad people can't reign themselves in. In their repeated showings of irrational conduct and immaturity, we only diminish a medium that, despite its many flaws, has the ability to be a great educational and informational tool. Perhaps one day we'll be able to control the flow of negativity and maximize the potential of the Web. Because we'll never be able to change people.

We can send a man to the moon, but ...

Can someone please explain to me why with all the technology we have available, they have still not invented a Post-it Note that will stay stuck to a computer screen?

Hi. I'm Jimmy. And I'm a technoholic. I have just returned from a week with no Internet, no blogging, no cell phone, no texting, no IM-ing, no voice mail, no email, and no iPod. And I am in such a state of withdrawal I think I am itching all over.

About 10 days ago I found myself between tasks at work aimlessly browsing the Internet. Whatever I stumbled on was meaningless, much like my stumbling itself. I was going nowhere. And so I thought, I really don't need this. And that thought grew to another and then to another and another.

Within 30 minutes I was asking myself: Can I go three days without technology?

Absolutely.

OK, how about a week?

Maybe. I wouldn't relish the challenge but I would certainly take it on.

I talked to my wife about it and she welcomed it, viewing technology as a distraction at home anyway.

I check email frequently. Let me rephrase that. Except for the few hours I sleep every night, I am never without email. It has become the only guaranteed way of reaching me, I'm sorry to say.

So I took the dive, and from last Tuesday until this morning, here is what I surrendered:

• No Internet browsing for the week (except where it is directly related to work).
• No blogging.
• No cell phone.
• No cell phone voice mail.
• No text messaging.
• No instant messaging
• No email.
• No iPod
• No iTunes.

I am happy to report I have survived without all nine elements of this habit-forming technological gadgetry. It wasn't easy. It took me several hours simply to get ready to do without AND to catch up when I was done.

We'll have a couple of stories in the Reporter-Telegram as well as online this weekend, but for those of you who might not have completely given up on Sticky Doorknobs, a brief recount of life without each of the above gadgets:

• Internet browsing. This has become a modern-day version of ambulance chasing. If you are news hound, you browse the Internet looking for stories. It is in our make up. On a scale of 1-10 with one being the easiest and 10 being the toughest, giving up Internet browsing was a 7.
• Blogging. I didn't think I would miss this as much but this has become another huge way to communicate, especially in the last 4-5 months. Give-it-Up factor: 8.
• Cell phone. There were a number of times when I felt the vibration of a call and heard the ding of a message. Except that for the entire week, my phone was on my bedside table, off of my belt. I use my phone as a watch, too, as well as a morning alarm. Giving it up was almost impossible. Give-it-Up factor: 9.
• Voice mail: I was intrigued to know if anyone had something so important to say they would leave a message, but figured if it was that important they'd call me at work or home. Give-it-up factor: 4.
• Text messaging. Texting is HOW I communicate with our children these days. Not having it is to not know as much about what they have been up to while I'm at work. Since they are good kids, this is something I missed a lot. Give-it-Up factor: 8.
• Instant messaging. This is how I communicate with my wife while we're both at work. But since she doesn't have it on all the time and we text and email as well, it was difficult but not dire. Give-it-Up factor: 6.
• Email. As painful as cutting off my ears and fingers. I cannot function without it. I'm Jimmy. I'm an email-holic. HOWEVER ... living life without it for a week led me down an avenue fully unexpected that I will share with you in the next few days. Give-it-Up Factor: 11.
• iPod. No music. For a week. A friend commented it couldn't be done. I found some old CDs and played them all week, tuned in some Mike & Mike and somehow managed to make it through the week. You take away your passion for a week and you get an idea how I felt. Give-it-Up factor: 7.5.
• iTunes. This is, believe it or not, for me at least, an entirely different category than the iPod. Let me put it to you this way:  A lot of women like to shop. Even if they buy nothing they like to browse about the aisles. My wife shops, I walk through the world's largest music store every day in my living room. Give-it-up factor: 7.
• Miscellaneous. By their very nature I was forced to give up two more technological improvements: The family checkbook, which I keep in a  Money file on the desktop, and my calendering program. I always write down a calendar as a backup, but I couldn't access my long-range calendar, which was not easy. There were a couple of phone numbers I needed in my cell phone address book so that I could do a couple of interviews. But I had to delay them until I could turn my phone back on.  The most difficult of the miscellaneous items, though, was keeping up with my checkbook by writing -- with a pen -- all deposits and withdrawals into a ledger for the week. And let me not leave out one small item: Because of my bad handwriting I made a $200 mistake. As late as Monday night, though, I really didn't have a clue what shape our checkbook was in. Give-it-Up factor: 9

I lost a lot of daily blog traffic in the last week because of this little experiment and I do hope those folks come back eventually.

My wife tells me frequently that we are all addicted to something. Food, alcohol, drugs, TV. Whatever. For me, it's gadgetry: those little things strapped to my belt, in my back pocket, in the tray on my desktop that ding at me when someone writes to tell me something. I am addicted to that stuff. I admit it. For the first day, it was easy. Then the uncontrollable itching started. I left the house over the weekend and went to Guadalupe Mountains, just looking for a place where having all that stuff wouldn't matter anyway. By the time I got back, I was looking for a quicker way out of ending the experiment. A way to justify clicking on my email a day early. Fortunately, I survived the entire week and am back today and, I think -- I hope -- better because of it.

I am not unique. There are hundreds of thousands out there just like me, and whether we like to admit it or not we are addicted. Don't think so? Give it up for a week. See how you feel.  But even better, see if it brings any change in your life. I know it has mine.

Holy Farfegnugen, Eurasian!

I don't know Eurasian, the local cyber-opinionator who rarely lets a day slip by without %%%%%%%%%%%%%A LITTLE EXCITEMENT.%%%%%%%% I wouldn't know him if he came up and told me who he was (which he won't; anonymity...it's a web thing).

HOWEVER ... I believe, quite by accident over the weekend, I stumbled upon the good man's office, located in West Central San Angelo.

Imagine the customer that walks into that shop thinking he's ONLY going to get his Farfegnugen fixed.