The website Askmen.com released its list of the Most Manly Men on the planet this week. George Clooney was the winner, they say. He's fine, but giving George Clooney a Manly Man award is like rooting for Brad Pitt to get lucky.
Of course we will argue for centuries about who was on the list and who was left off. A few of those who would make an alternate Top 10 if I had anything to say about it. And I don't. But if I did:
10. T.O.
Write a children's book. Alienate everyone. Celebrate a touchdown like it's the Super Bowl winner when your team is 21 points behind. Survive an overdose AND a broken hand at the same time. It's all in a days work for this giant among men guy who is not exactly turning the Dallas Cowboys around in this particular lifetime.
9. My friend Dennis.
Confident. Self-assured. A successful oilman, husband and discerning purveyor of the finer things in life (the rock band Chicago, FOX News, the Cubbies, leftover Italian). Picture not available.
8. George Michael.
George had the decency and humility to say the other day that smoking pot keeps him sane. George, buddy ... I never thought I'd say this, but ... you ain't smokin' enough pot.
7. Some guy I grew up with and worked with in a sandwich shop.
He taught me about life. And then he became an attorney, preventing him from taking a higher spot on this list (photo confiscated by Colorado jurisprudence authorities).
6. Earl Miller, former head football coach, Midland Lee High School.
Possessing a quiet confidence, Earl was a West Texas favorite. If they ever filmed a story about his life, Earl would be played by Peter Falk. In Columbo character. (photo never taken)
5. 
Mel Cooley
Mel possessed an unending generosity, allowing Rob to grab all the headlines while repeatedly being on the receiving end of Buddy and Sally's abuse. His lack of confidence was only an act and Mel spent his entire career successfully fighting his inner demons. A true giant among men who could possibly be the single most unappreciated television star of our lifetime. A role model for all men. The perfect son.
4. 
Boy George
Boy proudly accepted his punishment recently when he was sentenced to clean up the streets of New York for something stupid he did. This follows by 20 years the tremendous successes he achieved after recording such monster smash hits as "Karma Chameleon," "I'll Tumble 4 Ya," and "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me." Yes, Boy, we really wish we could.
3.
(Open)
2. Norton
Poker player. Loyal friend. Beer drinker. And he still had enough left in his tank every day to be one of the finest garbage collectors sanitation engineers the city of New York has ever known. Oh, and he came home to the beautiful Trixie every night. In the unpublished biography, "Norton, Ya Bum", he bravely tells the story of secretly beating up Ralph repeatedly, an accomplishment for which he never received sufficient fame.
1. Bernard P. Fife.
The epitome of what a man should be: Lawman. Conosseiur of fine spiked water coolers. Frugal. Friend. Compassionate deputy. Wise with a bullet (mostly). Ladies man. Companion to Thelma Lou, who along with Trixie, was a babe before there were babes.
We celebrate these men for what they are and for what they aren't. They are role models and they will never be recognized by Askmen.com for being among the manliest.
Congratulations. You rock, dudes.
Correction please: Norton was a "sanitation engineer". i.e. he worked in the sewers.
Posted by: Wallace | Tuesday, October 24, 2006 at 11:32 PM
I wholeheartedly agree with your #9 choice of Dennis. I would add one talent to your list of his finer qualities: unsurpassed BB-gun sharpshooter of pesky squirrels (a talent he shares with his dog, Milo).
Posted by: Mrs. Dennis | Wednesday, October 25, 2006 at 10:11 AM
Mrs. Dennis ... I'm just hurt that your husband won't comment here at Sticky Doorknobs because he's apparently afraid people will know he associates with me. I'm afraid I might to move TO up and your husband down.
Posted by: Jimmy | Wednesday, October 25, 2006 at 10:34 AM
Wallace, you are right, Norton was a sanitation engineer but he always wanted to, ummm, move up in the world to be a trash collector.
Posted by: Jimmy | Wednesday, October 25, 2006 at 10:35 AM
"He's fine, but giving George Clooney a Manly Man award is like rooting for Brad Pitt to get lucky."
You are too funny!
Posted by: Janie | Wednesday, October 25, 2006 at 10:35 PM
A great man is always willing to be little—R. W. Emerson
It is not enough to be industrious, so are the ants. What are you industrious for?— H. D. Thoreau
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